The Thing I Fear More Than Death

Don’t get me wrong, the fear of death is very powerful and potent. One that can consume and drive an individual beyond the edge of reason if allowed. I know this for a fact because at a very young age, I was forced to acknowledge that death was a real part of life. After that, I struggled with insomnia and claustrophobia for a long time. I couldn’t sit at the back of a bus or a one door car and worst of all, I couldn’t give the real reason for my refusal. If my position in the car did not allow for direct contact with a window and oxygen, I just could not sit there.

Thankfully, this is no longer at the top of my fears because of my Christian journey. When the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. I laid my fears at the feet of Jesus and through the word in the bible, this fear has  been laid to rest; pun intended.

Mr Happy via mrmen.wikia.com

So what could be more fearfully than dying you may wonder. Well this one begins with an encounter with Greek Mythology; the story of Narcissus.

Narcissus was know for his beauty and no one argued with that. Some people say I am pretty but mostly I hear that I am cute and I believe all these people; so no arguments here. Mainly because these people have nothing to gain. Now if I was the President’s daughter or some oil magnate’s wife; I might be a little suspicious. But when you are a writer and the best you can do is edit or critique application essays, it is safe to assume that the truth is being told.

On the other hand, this is my own test for how pretty I am.

1) I walk down the road or into a room full of people.
2) Carefully examine the look on their faces: do they recoil in horror? Are they immediately terrified?
And the most important one.
3)Count the number of people that run away as fast as they can while shielding their eyes from my face?

The answer so far has been zero. Therefore, since I have been passing my own litmus test…  #PrettyasaPicture is the verdict.

But…

There is one thing that I have been afraid to do, which might just be the true test of my own contentment with ‘my beauty’. And this is wear FALSE LASHES. I put it in capital so you can understand that it is a big thing for me.

I have seen through weddings and social media the power of false lashes to transform a normal belle into a goddess of unspeakable proportion. Girls that look like we could be neighbors are morphed into sophisticated women who look like they would never speak to me. This generally means that their beauty looks unreal but therein lies the problem.

Extremely super duper fine with my kind of beauty is my current state of mind. I am however truly terrified to take myself to those heights only to go to bed and wake up the next day to reality. Because the process of going to bed involves washing off the illusion.

This scares me!

Especially after seeing a perfectly pretty girl feel so ugly without her makeup and eyelashes. This girl had zero confidence to look up at the camera during her before pictures. But the moment it was all piled on her, she couldn’t stop posing. This was one of the saddest situations I have ever seen.

As a resident of the head community, living on the cloudy street of thought and knowledge while searching for wisdom and discernment; I generally do not know how I feel about a situation till it practically happens to me. Right now, I love my look but what happens when an artificial and “better” alternative is presented? How content will I be with reality after that? I do not want to know.

It is bad enough that beauty is being redefined through all these carefully curated pictures online. There are a lot of pretty girls who do not feel good enough because of these images. And a lot of confused guys who cannot date good looking girls because a new standard is being created for them.

I would rather stay on my side of the line and not cross it. Maybe I am so centered that wearing FALSE LASHES makes no difference to my life, maybe I am not, maybe one day I find out. But until then, my face remains a no FALSE LASHES zone..

Narcissus knew he was beautiful but didn’t know the extent of it till Nemesis attracted him to a pool where he could see his reflection. There Narcissus fell in love with the reflection not realizing it was just an image. He obsessed over this image and couldn’t leave it alone. As a result, he lost his will to live and basically stared at himself till he died.

The pictures, Instagram and all that are just images and reflections; reality on the other hand will always be different from these. Sadly, the line of truth when it comes to this is gradually being blurred.

So tell me honesty, how did you feel when you wore your first false lash and what was your immediate reaction to your make-up free face after it was taken off?

I am terribly interested.