Why Chatting Is Difficult For Some People

Social media and a lot of apps seem like they are meant to connect us with one another. But if you take a moment and shut down your screen, you will see that they are really meant to feed a need in us. And this is the need to be validated and entertained. This does not take away from their usefulness by the way. It is just a silent extra feature.

When that need is taken out of the equation. then real life has to be faced. And facing reality is not a natural skill given to us all from the moment we were born. Constantly facing reality head-on is an acquired skill that comes with finding courage and daily practice.

Unfortunately, a lot of people do not know when it is time to put down the social media technique of posting something that incites responses/likes; and pick up the technique of having real interractions.

Well, the above is usually my short answer to the baffling question, ” Is it so hard chat?”

N.B or P.S (depending on your origins): In these parts, chat ot chatting means the use of Whatsapp or BBM(blackberry messeanger) to have a conversation… forgive me if you already knew this.

But apart from that being my main reason for peoples laziness at carrying conversations(due to the afore-mentioned social media trap); I have other theories, these are:

  1. They want a different relationship from the one you currently have with them. It could be that you are aquintances and they want to be really good friends. But are either scared to explore what it means to be your friend or are again just social media lazy. How else would you explain someone writing  ‘Hi!’ and you replying with a ‘Hi back at ya’ and then it takes them three days before they reply with an annoying  ‘Hello’.
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Miscommunication at its best.

2. A proper relationship is what they really want. For females, if the guy is not making any move, they try to stay within the line of sight. Hence the daily ‘Hi’s’.

Here, we haven’t evolved to brazenly asking a guy out. And in this case however, I think it is also this singular focus of getting the guy to make a move on the girl’s part that it becomes so paralysing to try to do anything else.

For the guys, they do not yet have the courage or focus(not-sure-I-actually-want-to-be -in-a-relationship-with-her syndrome) to make the move. So they keep it consistent with the ‘Hi’s’ and the ‘Sups’ untill that great day.

I am not sure it occurs to either of them to try to have a conversation in the meantime; which might just be a faster way to get to their final destination. It is either this, or the social media trap mentality or plain laziness at making the effort to engage another person.

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I’ve put my heart out, now you decipher.

3. You may unknowingly be in a cold war with the other party. This has happened to me a lot. As a scatterbrain with the unknowing ability to offend and fail at uknown(at least to me) expectations, peoples toes sometimes get stepped on.

The senario usually goes like this, a person starts a chart with you, followed by monosyllibic answers to your questions/statements then followed by the silent treatment.

N.B or P.S: The proper Whatsapp silent treatment goes something like this: You send a message and it has been instantly read, as indicated by Whatsapp. But the reply comes 10 hours later and the next reply another  15 hours after the first. And nope, their phone didn’t die as Whatapp gives you an update of the last time they checked in, which is every half hour.

In this situations, I have learnt to get straight to the point by stating I sense a coldness and then I ask if anything is wrong. The real story usually comes out.

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Erm, am I suppose to read your thoughts from the back of your head?

4. Fear of rejection or being misunderstood. I personally think this fear is heightened when you aren’t standing face to face with the individual. Some have argued that most people are emboldened when behind their phone or computer screens. These people are interesting to chat with but when met in person turn out to be boring and unable to carry an actual conversation. I feel those people may not be interested in having a real friendship or relationship in the first place, so they assume a persona that makes the virtual relationship interesting.

Someone genuinely interested in the first two senarios mentioned above will have the normal fear and anxiety of not knowing if they are acceptable or not. I have felt more anxious sending texts and not knowing what the reply might be than having one on one conversations in a related senario.

Words are the most functional tools I find, not because I am a writer but because it is the clearest mode of expression.

Actions are more powerful than words, true, but also more easily misunderstood, ignored or taken for granted. When you write something clearly, unless the individual reading it does not want to engage(which is a clear reply in itself) , it is hard for anyone to claim you meant something else. And people will try to do so, if your words make them feel a certain type of way, All of this is meant to indicate how they want to relate with you (especially when you are being clear).

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Clarity. Saving lives since forever.

These are my own theories, for why some people find it hard to be engaging in a chat. I have been asked more times than I care to state why I am engaging and entertaining while chatting or in a conversation. And after my many confused, “Isn’t everyone?” and “I don’t believe you. All humans must be naturally good at chatting, we have words!!!”. I decided to analyse a few chats and put my theories out.

Honestly, I just didn’t want to chalk it down to laziness, confused entitlements and emoji’s. Life is more complicated than all that put together.

Why do you think people find it hard to chat?

 

 

 

Images via Flickr

Dear God, Can Nigerians Be Judged Differently When We Get To Heaven?

Heavenly Father,

I can boldly say I speak for all Nigerians when I say we can’t wait to get to heaven. Especially those of us that know Revelations 21:23, it promises that “The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp”. And THIS is our ultimate dream; 24/7 electricity.

And speaking of light, isn’t it a miracle that we are considered, according to statistics to be some of the happiest people on earth? The fact that this constant darkness hasn’t filled our hearts with true darkness speaks a lot about the Nigerian spirit doesn’t it?

It is also another great miracle that depression and mental illness is not on a mega high in this country. People here do try their best against all the odds, alas genuine hard work pays minimally. And it is a bad look when thieves and corrupt people have the appearance of reaping all the rewards for little or no work. Harder still is it to convince young impressionable people that that is not the way to go.

We do need to focus and look to our better role models. Unfortunately the noisier “role models” are the wannabe celebrites who are determined to publicise their success with ‘stuff’. Most of which is a gross exaggeration of what they actually own. This is becoming the new normal of legitimate success.

But wannabe celebrities are not who I am presenting to you today; just good old us, regular Nigerians.

First of all, I think when we get to heaven, we should be seperated from the rest of the nations for two reasons.

Number one, if there is a way to hide or disappear, we will find it. I know there is no hiding from you, just saying it might be quite irritating dealing with people who feel so smart that I am sure they believe they can outsmart you. I am just glad there is a word in your good book to qualify people who seem wise in their own eyes; and that word is foolish. And hopefully one day soon, before we leave this earth, we will gain true wisdom.

Two, we will just delay the line unnecessarily; queueing without some abusive authority to keep us in order does not work with us. And you are a God of love. And then there is the issue of excessive begging, multiple justifications or manouvers to either jump the line or avoid the judgement at hand. I am not sure anyone would have the patience for that annoyance.

(A heavy pause and some sighs later…)

I believe I am looking at this all wrong, mainly through my own eyes as I know you are patient, merciful and full of grace.

But as Nigerians, we do a lot of wrong. And so therefore we are now regretably the world’s poster child for scammers and scamming. How did we get here?

Some of us may have have taken your word too literally when you said time and chance is given to all. So whenever an opportunity strikes, we take it. This doesn’t excuse us by the way, we just need to get to the point where one of our values isn’t taking advantage of every situation for our benefit.

There are so many churches in Nigeria but redefining our values does not seem to be a popular topic coming from the pulpit. I guess it is not commercial enough. Or maybe  if pastors could find a way to place corruption and stealing, on the same sin level as fornication and adultery, we may just make some headway.

However I am extremely glad that every man is going to answer for themselves before You. A lot of us really do try to minimise our poor personal choices and not cave in to the burdens and temptations that come our way because of our bad governments.

My final thought is, how can we on a large scale work with your bountiful wisdom, grace. love and mercy and transform Nigeria into a great nation?

And is it possible for your voice to be louder than the still small whisper? Just on the off off chance that the millions of roaring generator noises might be interfering with our hearing. I know, I know, I am just reaching…

You are always an awesome God.

Your hopeful daughter,

Ulan.

 

Featured Image, Seperation of concerns, Falk Lademann Via Flickr