First of all, Africa is not a county; but across the continent, we do share some commonalities. We are not unaware of our differences like the many lanugages, traditions and accents we have. But, when speaking about the things we have in common, no one needs any translation.
It is for this reason I can boldly give advice on a continental level because we, the people, will get it.
In other parts of the world, losing weight and maintaining a slim figure is relatively easy. All you have to do is exercise regularly, eat clean (whatever this means) and drink lots of water.
I beg to differ that it is not this easy if you are on the African continent. Even if you are determined to do all of the above, there are some environmental factors that can work against you.
However I am here to tell you it can still be done succesfully with these few tips… But you must proceed at your own risk. And if you are “African” enough, I do not need explain these “helpful” tips too much.
So here it goes. To be a sucess at dieting and weight management, you must:
- Uproot your mother from your life
You already know what will happen if you look slimmer than what is maternally acceptable. And there is no distance far enough that a care package with fattening food can not reach. So this is the first must, unless you are part of the 0.00000000000000001% of the population that has a mother who can not be bothered.
- Do not visit your friends or relatives
You will be welcomed with food that cannot be refused without raising eyebrows or gathering looks of disapproval. The only thing that might work in your favor is the economic situation of your country. Is it on the ‘forget cultural expectations, let’s hide our food’ level? Then and only then are you in luck.
- Do not visit anybody at all
Same reason as above basically, but you may be spared depending on the type of relationship or the nature of the visit.
- Publicly claim you are a vegetarian and immediately get ostracised
- Do not care about showing evidence of your new found success, if you have any.
It is unbecoming to remain as lean as you used to be when you were broke. However if you are yet to find any success, you may want to postpone that moment. You may also want to lean yourself out some more so that when the success comes, the weight you gain will balance the equation out and it is a win-win for everyone.
- Marry a foreigner
This is so that the strange things you do like dieting, gyming, yoga, pilates and other hard to pronounce activities need no explanation.
Alright, I think I had too much fun with this but it was inspired by my mum. As per usual, she came home from a Saturday outing with an assortment of takeaways for me. It was a feast. And I wondered what would happen if I said no because I was on a rigid diet. The imaginary response in my head prompted this post but I know it is not far from the truth.
We all know in these parts, the fear of mom is the beginning of wisdom.
Have a joyful and laughter filled week!